Have you ever had the chance to dissapoint yourself?
I did, 100 times. I cried another 100 times, and guess what? I did the same mistakes.
I always promise to myself It´s the last time that I will dissapoint my friends, family or even myself and I keep doing it. Sometimes I just feel like hidden and never come back to this planet. Sometimes depression is my only friend. But fuck no! nobody can notice how destroyed I am. Nobody can know how sad times I´m having, so shhh girl, look at the mirror and smile.
And that´s what I do, I smile to everyone and I dance, and so everybody are happy arround me because I´m full of energy. But hell, I did dissapointed myself one more time. One more lie that keeps knocking on my brain and making a terrible noise. The terrible noise of the silence, the silence of no answers. And maybe you can ask yourself which answers you want. Each time I ask myself why do I do the things I do? why am I so autodestructive? why do I do the things I´m not supposed to? agh. No answers.
Since I´m young my only reason to live is how attached to my family and my religion. I never try to ask myself more than what the hell I´m doing here, in this planet or at this time, waiting for something that I really don´t know what it is… because I have no answers. And so when I wonder something, only me and my thoughts walk on the darkest road, going nowhere, because all my deductions are usually stupid.
Do I need to cry to feel better? … no. Not even tears can make me feel a little bit better and If they do, I´ll be depressed again after couple of seconds.
Trying to be my own psychologist, I make myself get more confused. I scare myself, because I´m not the person who I know. I´m behaving like the person I dont want to be. And dissapointment invade me again.
That crazy feeling that makes me feel that everything I do is a mistake, is wrong… someone please make it go away.
Past is past. isn´t it?